the times are a-changin'

welcome to the very first online version of oscar's bicycle, a publication of world renown (my world has 8 people in it). here you will find our monthly feautred articles, and the links to the left will provide you with our typical columns (sports, arts & leisure, etc).

so without further ado, our online kickoff cover feature:

Can a man outrun a hurricane?

So, the Commie bastards are back. That's right, Ivan is at the door. Everyone at work is leaving right now to go to Lowe's and Home Depot and start preparing for the worst case in which the depression above the midatlantic strengthens and Ivan gets pushed a little further west. If a category 5 hits my place, it is going to shred to pieces (it was built by slaves in the 1830's and I am betting that fear of being whipped only generates a modest work ethic) so I have no reason to do anything to my place save some plywood over the 5 windows that don't have storm shutters.

People are already talking about the traffic situation during an evacuation. It was then that it occurred to me that the huricane is only travelling at 8 MPH. Which equates to covering a mile every 7:30 minutes. Well, that is above the pace I have maintained on my longest run this year of 21 miles.

Therefore, I am looking for a bold cameraman interested in filming a documentary about me trying to outrun the hurricane. The first thing this person must realize, is that I will fail. I have not been training very consistently and I have a shin splint in my left leg so I am pretty sure by hour 20 I will have a stress fracture and my pace will fall well below what is required to outrun it. Therefore, this is a get rich or die opportunity. We will head due north which gives us some advantage as the huricane would be heading northeast and the due north vector may only be 8 to 9 minute miles. The cameraman will follow slowly along in a car and will be allowed to provide me with changes of clothes, shoes, food water, etc. We will sleep in the car also but we cannot drive a single foot I do not run/walk/crawl/roll. Eventually the storm will catch us and the cameraman will attempt to film me dodging trees and debri's in an effort to survive. Of course, the winds may be strong enough to throw me and the vehicle about so I am not really sure what happens at that point other than utter danger. I do however know that it might be worth alot of money and it will be fun as hell.

Any takers?

-JAW

conspiracy theories

apparently this week at work is the x5th anniversary of my company's founding. i know this because there was an announcement on monday and we got krispy kremes. with all that donut in my mouth i couldn't really point out that since all the founders are retired, this is ridiculous. but i'll celebrate anything from the International Day of Peace (9/20) to Armenian Independence Day (9/21) to festivus (sometime late december) if it'll get me a donut. there was a sign that said "1 donut per employee!!!" next to the boxes. the extra exclamation points scared me out of taking two. nothing like the man keepin' you down.

then on tuesday, we all got a bottle of water with a company label on it. i may or may not have asked if i could trade my bottle of water for an hour of leave. after a few swigs of this luke-warm water (i don't know whose person these bottles of water were on before they gave em out, and i don't want to), someone pointed out that the company labels were just cleverly covering the water's original label. those management bastards! they were trying to fool us! now i know why kerry is always clamoring about "us" vs. "them"! it was all a clever ruse - this water wasn't specially ordered or developed at some lab to increase metabolism or muscle growth! it was just plain old H20. i bet those assholes even tried to figure out a way to lose one of the H's. that would be just like management, offering us HO in corporate bottles. no doubt monday's donuts were just a mixture of flour, sugar substitue, and cotton. fuck!

naturally i started tearing off the company label to see what brand of water "they" bought. i couldn't stand to be duped like this! but before i knew it, i was covered from elbow to fingertip in blue, like i had just delivered a blue alien baby*! yup, the labels were wet or colored with chalk or made with fresh boysenberries. those wily managers - "they" were gonna thwart "our" attempt to gain some knowledge. bastards!

so yesterday when a woman came around offering plastic company cups, i was ready for something. anything. she asked what color i wanted, but i saw through "their" thin veiled attempt to psycho-analyze me. so i grabbed the first one in the pile and shooed her out the door. "but don't you want this raffle ticket for tomorrow?", she asked as i shoved her out. "if it comes from "them", the only thing i would win is a free shiv in the back when i'm not looking!", i replied. she looked at me funny as i closed the door, so i threw the cup at her. it was probably water soluble anyway, or one of those trick cups with a hole in the side. fuckers.

this afternoon there's a celebration at 3:30 and some food at 5. but i'm on to "them". i'm paying some kid who works at the hardees across the street to test the food for me. "we" have been nervously talking all day, and rumor has it there will be mind altering beverages there. lord knows i can't have these, because i know that's just what "they" would want. just in case, i have an air rifle tapped to my chest. it could turn ugly. i'll keep you informed...

*you know, cuz i'd be covered in blue placenta...it'd be all over me...and...oh, shut up

TRUTHS TO THE TALE:
-we got donuts. they were fuckin great. and there were way more than 3 exclamation points on the sign.
-we got water. i got blue ink all over myself. it was grocery store brand.
-we got glorified keg cups. honestly, isn't this a really odd thing to give out? to make it better, i chose pink.
-we have a party-type thing today. but there won't be beer there, so there won't be me there either.

-ETG