conspiracy theories

apparently this week at work is the x5th anniversary of my company's founding. i know this because there was an announcement on monday and we got krispy kremes. with all that donut in my mouth i couldn't really point out that since all the founders are retired, this is ridiculous. but i'll celebrate anything from the International Day of Peace (9/20) to Armenian Independence Day (9/21) to festivus (sometime late december) if it'll get me a donut. there was a sign that said "1 donut per employee!!!" next to the boxes. the extra exclamation points scared me out of taking two. nothing like the man keepin' you down.

then on tuesday, we all got a bottle of water with a company label on it. i may or may not have asked if i could trade my bottle of water for an hour of leave. after a few swigs of this luke-warm water (i don't know whose person these bottles of water were on before they gave em out, and i don't want to), someone pointed out that the company labels were just cleverly covering the water's original label. those management bastards! they were trying to fool us! now i know why kerry is always clamoring about "us" vs. "them"! it was all a clever ruse - this water wasn't specially ordered or developed at some lab to increase metabolism or muscle growth! it was just plain old H20. i bet those assholes even tried to figure out a way to lose one of the H's. that would be just like management, offering us HO in corporate bottles. no doubt monday's donuts were just a mixture of flour, sugar substitue, and cotton. fuck!

naturally i started tearing off the company label to see what brand of water "they" bought. i couldn't stand to be duped like this! but before i knew it, i was covered from elbow to fingertip in blue, like i had just delivered a blue alien baby*! yup, the labels were wet or colored with chalk or made with fresh boysenberries. those wily managers - "they" were gonna thwart "our" attempt to gain some knowledge. bastards!

so yesterday when a woman came around offering plastic company cups, i was ready for something. anything. she asked what color i wanted, but i saw through "their" thin veiled attempt to psycho-analyze me. so i grabbed the first one in the pile and shooed her out the door. "but don't you want this raffle ticket for tomorrow?", she asked as i shoved her out. "if it comes from "them", the only thing i would win is a free shiv in the back when i'm not looking!", i replied. she looked at me funny as i closed the door, so i threw the cup at her. it was probably water soluble anyway, or one of those trick cups with a hole in the side. fuckers.

this afternoon there's a celebration at 3:30 and some food at 5. but i'm on to "them". i'm paying some kid who works at the hardees across the street to test the food for me. "we" have been nervously talking all day, and rumor has it there will be mind altering beverages there. lord knows i can't have these, because i know that's just what "they" would want. just in case, i have an air rifle tapped to my chest. it could turn ugly. i'll keep you informed...

*you know, cuz i'd be covered in blue placenta...it'd be all over me...and...oh, shut up

TRUTHS TO THE TALE:
-we got donuts. they were fuckin great. and there were way more than 3 exclamation points on the sign.
-we got water. i got blue ink all over myself. it was grocery store brand.
-we got glorified keg cups. honestly, isn't this a really odd thing to give out? to make it better, i chose pink.
-we have a party-type thing today. but there won't be beer there, so there won't be me there either.

-ETG